3 Men and a Dry Baby Shower

The case against men and for alcohol at baby showers.

Why am I here?

Here, in case the title isn’t sufficiently obvious, is a baby shower. The baby shower is for a relative and the relatives baby mama.

Let’s be clear that my position that men shouldn’t have to attend baby showers isn’t some stance by the patriarchy to say that taking care of babies is women’s work. I completely disagree with that sentiment. I think all men who did the deed should devote no less than 100% of their energy to raising their future registered voter(s).

If anything I’m against the whole idea of a shower because it’s old-fashioned and pointless. Why don’t we all save money and ship our gifts?

I’m sure most of you are reading this and thinking I sound like a curmudgeon and you’re right and wrong.

No I don’t have kids. No I don’t want kids. Yes I believe many of you shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. I think your qualifications as adults and beneficial members of society are questionable. I think it’s selfish of you to insist on having more children when we have so many kids in the foster system that need good homes. I think abortion should be legal at any point from conception till the third… birthday. Maybe even age 10. I don’t think any Republicans or people on welfare should be allowed to have kids.

So with all that in mind I think baby showers are pointless opportunities for either wealthy people to waste money or poor people to waste money. The kid isn’t even there. He or she won’t even know if we all attended. All of the gifts we give them they won’t remember wearing or using. The whole experience will be a blur for their parents who will be so sleep deprived and filled with regret about having kids that instead of admitting they were wrong they’ll dig their heels in harder than a Bush supporter discussing the importance of finding weapons of mass destruction.

Which brings us to today. I have to go to this baby shower to celebrate a baby that two completely incapable ‘adults’ are throwing for themselves when they don’t have any money to throw said party.

Add to it that they are holding this shindig in the basement of a church and therefore alcohol isn’t permitted. (The Catholic in me is screaming. He’s also 45 and a priest! Ba Bum Bum Ching!)

No one thinks these two are capable of raising this baby. They live for free in someone else’s house. They demand to be waited on hand and foot. We gave them two very nice pieces of furniture. A baby changing station and something else and when they arrived and needed to be assembled they didn’t do it. Instead they called us and asked us to help. That was over a month ago.

Today however we’re going to celebrate without booze their decision to not use protection and make it work.

I mean this sincerely to all of you with kids. YOU determine the future. It’s up to you to be great parents and raise great kids. And frankly, I don’t have faith in any of you.

So why am I here? I’m here to judge people. I’m here to pass judgement on all of them and not because of their loose morals but because I know this leads directly to their voting habits and the way they secretly and subconsciously impact the rights of fellow humans. You know humans, they were former babies.

It’s amazing how much we care about the idea of other people and how little we actual care about real living breathing people.

I care so much about all of you that I’m begging you to think before you fuck. Consider abortion. Consider adoption. Consider not having a baby shower but if you do definitely consider an open bar. Who knows? Probably would result in more morons having unprotected sex and stunting our evolution as a species even further.