Stress test
So what brings you in to see us today?
This morning I’m at my Cardiologist’s office in Midtown for a stress test. My last annual physical revealed that I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol so the Physician’s Assistant(PA) recommended I come back today for these procedures.
Honestly, the whole stress test experience is just rather… stressful.
Quick tip for Cardiology offices: if you’re concerned about a patient’s stress maybe don’t have Fox and CNN on in the lobby. Or either for that matter.
Andrea, a very nice nurse just came in and asked,
So what brings you in to see us today?’
Curious, I thought, that they wouldn’t have some record of why I’m here, but, I quickly explained and she proceeded to check my blood pressure. While we waited I filled the time explaining how the last PA asked me to go to CVS, grab my own BP device and keep track which I did and if Andrea liked I have a sheet with my daily numbers and oh look aren’t they something!
“152/92,” she read my numbers aloud. God, I hate the news.
I told her that’s the highest it’s been in the last month since I started tracking it and suggested maybe I’m just stressed from being at the doctors office.
That’s when she brought up the WitCo(check spelling) effect. Apparently the stress of going to see a doc is so common that it has its own, ‘Effect.’
Andrea left and then Rebecca, the Physicians Assistant(is there even such a thing as a doctor anymore?), just came in and you’ll never guess what she asked,
‘So, what brings you in to see us today?
Are any of you communicating out there or do you leave the room and immediately watch cat videos and have a snack before drawing straws to see who gets to come back in and ask me, ‘So what brings you in to see us today?’
Is this the stress test?!?! Are there cameras? Is someone monitoring this anarchy each time you ask me?!
‘Have you not been eating?’ Rebecca asked. I thought about it and decided I might as well tell her,
‘Not really. Not as much. Just been depressed I guess. The job. Turning 40. Death.’
‘Oh…I just meant did you fast before this appointment. For your blood work.’
‘Oh… yeah, no, I didn’t eat then either.’
Rebecca took my BP again and surprisingly, after my unsolicited emotional hurl, it was a much more respectable 132/84. Take that Andrea!
Now I’m waiting for the treadmill.
At least it’s a nice day outside.
Next up is the carotid artery test. That nurse, whose name I didn’t catch because she was understandably depressed from having the job I’m about to describe to you, attached a bunch of sticky Dermed thingys to my chest making sure to apply each one to as much hair as possible ensuring a pleasant removal process. Then she dimmed the lights, had me lay down, covered my chest with jelly and then… checked my arteries for plaque buildup. I knew I wasn’t brushing enough.
She then had me get on the treadmill hooked wires up to my chest and explained that every 2 minutes the treadmill would get faster and more elevated.
Is this the stress test?
Then Rebecca tagged back and proceeded to ask me questions like,
‘So what do you for work?’, ‘What does your girlfriend do?’ and ‘Is it tough being 40, unemployed, with heart issues and no discernible skills other than mediocre blogging?’
I survived. Apparently my BP is a little higher than they’d like so now she is discussing with the ‘doctor’ who I once again have never seen or mmmmOHMYGOD he exists!
Dr Jorge! With the deep V-neck (This guy parties!)under the lab coat has entered the building.
Is this the test?
Apparently word got around about my record shattering run on the treadmill so Dr Jorge skips the formalities, he knows what brought me in to see them today and the way he sees it my blood pressure can be solved simply by…
…leaving it up to me.
What?
‘Yeah,’ Jorge explained in his tantalizing brogue, ‘We can put you on BP medicine. Or we can keep going with the healthy eating and exercise and see where that gets us? What do you think?’
What do I think? I have a BS in Communications from Florida State, no one has ever asked or understandably cared what I think not the least of which were Cardiac Surgeons, Georgie Boy! So why don’t you zip up that deep V, put on your big boy lab coat and tell me what in the hell I’m supposed to do!
I was at the desk checking out having a complimentary, individually wrapped Swedish Fish when I couldn’t help but think, why does a Cardiologist’s office dispense free Swedish Fish to patients? Just the thought of it made me hungry so I took a handful for the walk home.
The moral my friends is that ‘what brought me in today?’ was apparently the confidence in knowing I am in complete control of my heart’s health.
As we all are.
